Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
