Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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