I'm going to jail i love you
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize