If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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