I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
