It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
