I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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