Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Come share oat with me in your robe
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
