I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
