We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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