Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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