ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Come on in and take your pants off
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
