I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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