so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
