Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize