I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
