He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
