it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
