??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
