We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
