I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
