someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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