walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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