Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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