The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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