so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
