theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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