i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize