This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
