Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
