I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize