i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think people are normalizing furries
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
