she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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