dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
