i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
