my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
