Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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