Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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