Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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