Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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