but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
