i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
