My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize