you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
