Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
