I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
