Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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