tell your sister to shave her snatch
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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