The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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