Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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