that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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