By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
