I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
this just has baby written all over it
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
