oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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