Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
