i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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