your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize