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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
if only i could text you this smell
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
zippers are such a cool invention
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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