There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
