I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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